Groovybabe

My mum and me, we don’t get on very well. I have just spent 10 minutes with her in the car dropping my son off at his preparation day at senior school and I am close to tears. Or it could just be that TOM showed up yesterday and I am exceptionally hormonal. Either way, I don’t feel great.

But don’t worry, the dietal motivation (hey, new word) is still going brilliantly strong. Betz said yesterday that she feels this time dieting is different for me and I guess it is. Mainly because no matter what mood I am in I still want to lose weight and at no point do I employ a defeatest attitude. I also don’t have any time off my diet. I guess this is because I am very much an all or nothing person so, in that respect, it serves me well. I just don’t see any point in having time off because it is just going to make getting back on the wagon that much harder. But more than this, my diet is not a means to an end; it is about making healthier choices to improve my health and wellbeing and this is not going to stop once I am at goal, it is something I am going to have to work at for the rest of my natural.

I was watching a documentary on television last night. It was about Paris and the journalist went to a chocolate convention. They were devouring all sorts of rich chocolates and practically orgasming as they ate. I didn’t think, ‘oh, god. I would die for just one mouthful; oh how I have missed thee’, in fact it made me realise that I don’t miss it at all. Had I been eating my old ways for the past month then I do not doubt for one second that I would be dribbling with excitement during that programme. I thought, ‘wow, I haven’t had chocolate for about 4 weeks now - and I don’t even miss it.’

I think *that* is what is different in my attitude this time. I really want to do this, I am absolutely desperate to re-gain my health.  And I understand what it takes to achieve this. I don’t think I really understood it before. I guess in the past I hadn’t experienced panic attacks and if anyone knows anything about panic attacks you will know that my health is constantly at the forefront of my mind. Every twinge is a heart attack, every headache is a brain tumour etc… and you can imagine what knowing the effects of obesity can do when playing tricks with your mind. I don’t really suffer so much with it now but my health is always in the forefront of my mind.

Something else I realise is that I now understand how much exercise plays a part in losing weight. Before when I have tried to lose weight I have just dieted or just exercised but this time not only am I exercising and dieting at the same time but I have come to understand just how much they play a part in each others success. Dieting on its own is extremely hard and I cannot control my appitite through thought processes alone. If I exercise on its own within a week or so I am dieting whether I mean to or not because the effect of exercise on my body and brain means that I want to eat less. So with a concerted effort with diet AND weightloss I find losing weight to not be that difficult. It’s making long term habits that are the challenge for me.

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