Groovybabe

The most positive spin to put on my attitude toward myself would be to describe me as “self-depricating”. A lecturer once told me I am “very modest”, my best friend tells me that I sell myself short, that I do not give myself the credit I am due. I think anyone who has known me online for any amount of time would agree with this. It is likely due to this characteristic (flaw?) that I am beginning to spend every day dizzy from expectation.

Not so long ago I was in a pretty bad way. I remember sitting in my doctor’s surgery and explaining to him that my home life was about as bad as I could imagine it being, I had no real life friends to speak of, I couldn’t get a job, my weight was spiraling out of control, I was having over 10 long drawn out panic attacks every day. I’d become agoraphobic and my thoughts were getting darker by the day. The doctor reminded me that “life doesn’t stand still. That’s the beauty of it, things always get better or worse and as they cannot get much worse for you, the likelihood is that things will get better.” Although I knew this to be factually the case, I found it hard to belive that my life would ever get better.

But better it has began to get. At my lowest time I thought I would be fat forever. No matter how hard I’d tried in the past, it always got the better of me. And due to the amount I needed to lose the problem felt too big. I’d always give it a try for a few weeks but end up giving in (Betz will tell you!). I think I was too emotionally unstable to be perfectly honest with you. But when you have that many and that degree of panic attack every day you become convinced that you are going to die in your bed. And although I knew this to be an unrealistic thought, it did make me fear for my life every time I saw a warning, article, tv show, professional etc telling us about the dangers of obesity. And I am pretty sure it is this experience that has got me to where I am today in my weightloss.

When I was at my worst I tried to control my appitite but I just couldn’t, no matter how hard I tried. I knew from previous attempts that exercise reduces the appitite so I took every brave cell in my body and signed up for the gym. I started going with the idea that I wouldn’t worry too much about what I am eating and would just concentrate on weightloss. Within 3 sessions I noticed a considerable drop in my appitite and began eating less. But I couldn’t afford to go to the gym as often as I liked as it was a premium pay-as-you-go gym. At this stage I was starting to overcome my agoraphobia so I signed up for a membership at Fitness First gym chain. They developed a plan to help me to lose weight. The same week I made an appointment with the weightloss nurse at my doctor’s surgery and she put my on Xenical. This was the beginning of this weightloss attempt.

The gym helped to keep my appitite at bay and work towards inch loss and the tablets stopped me from binging. That helped in the first month, for sure. After that it was about wanting to see the scales continue to go down and my body change for the better. But even now if I miss a session or two at the gym (I make sure I never do!) then my appitite sours.

I have every resource available to help me. The nurse and tablets, the gym and weightloss exercise plan, a strong will in myself with my memories of panic attacks to spur me on and a blog for all you to listen to me. Probably the best thing I do for myself is make weightloss my number one priority. That is, I put eating properly (cooking meals, shopping for appropriate foods etc) and going to the gym at the top of my priorities. I also think spending quality time writing this blog helps me, your comments especially.

My life is not brilliant. I still have a very negative homelife and no money but for some reason unknown for me I do not allow it to get to me in the way that it once did. I live with my mum and she refuses to consider my needs and as a result there are many calorific temptations in my way. I guess the point is that I have taken responsibility for my actions. The food is there but it is my choice as to whether I indulge in it or not. It is not forced down my throat. I do think you need a very strong resolve to see things this clearly though. That is certainly not something I have always had.

This last week, since putting on and then losing 3lbs, my motivation has risen about 50x what it was last week. And the last few days I have really started noticing a huge difference in my body. I don’t recall my stomach ever being this flat, and I love how my waist is revealing itself. I am starting to see myself slim. I can actually visualise myself shrinking, which is something I never did before.

I have been trying to think back to whether I have lost this much weight in recent previous attempts. My last attempt that somewhat worked was in 2004. I can’t remember how much I lost. I remember thinking I’d lost 2 stone (28lbs) but I don’t think I did. I am pretty sure it was nearer 20lbs. I remember I got down to 17.3 stones at my lowest since I got that fat but this time I started at a much higher level, so I have that much more to be proud of when I reach that weight. All I know for sure is that when I reach the 16 stone area I will… I don’t know what! It will be so amazing, I can’t express how happy that will make me. I haven’t been in the 16 stones area since about the turn of the century! Seven years ago!

Over at Aimee’s weightloss forum I have made myself a mini goal in a light-hearted challenge to lose weight for christmas. I figure that if I lose another 42 pounds by then (less than 2lb per week) I will weight 14 and a half stones. And here is me almost with tears in my eyes at the prospect of the 16’s!

I can really see myself slim and it’s intoxifying.

(PS sorry for the over-indulgent post!)

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